“Action” is not a verb, you illiterate fucktards

July 1st, 2009

Sitting in the office today, I received the following message from a colleague:

hi Seth, are you actioning on <server>?
never mind, I am actioning on it now

Ignoring the fact that this guy is not a native English speaker, and therefore may get things like ‘on’ in the wrong place, this is a disgusting example of corporate-speak.

Corporate-speak needs to be wiped from the face of the Earth, before it consumes us all with it’s litany of arse-covering Weasel Words.

That is all.

Google Spreadsheets is the way computers were supposed to be

May 20th, 2009

I was just shown something by a friend of mine (FrostyCoolSlug). Google Spreadsheets has the ability to incorporate live data from teh intarwebs in the coolest of ways:

=GoogleLookup(”Query”, “value”)

This allows you to do such things as:

=GoogleLookup(”London”, “population”)

=GoogleLookup(”India”, “GDP”)

…and also:

=GoogleLookup(”Water”, “boiling point”)

I certainly wish I’d had the ability to use tools like this for homework. This confirms my belief that education should be in terms of learning how to acquire knowledge, not the worthless cramming of facts. Facts and knowledge of processes is called experience…

Gurukuli.co.uk mail accounts now available

May 18th, 2009

For those ‘kulis in the UK that want an @gurukuli.co.uk email address, let me know, and as long as I’ve got slots left (I get 50 free ones, and I’ve used 4), and you’re not a knob, you can have one. Also, I haz a 125cc motorbike, yay! (Honda CG125 1983)

A Rant on Driver Examination in the United Kingdom

March 5th, 2009

First off, I recognise that the DSA has a difficult job, what with having to decide who gets to throw around 2-ton plus lumps of metal full of explosives along a motorway at near-relativistic speeds. I am annoyed, however, at the attitude of our illustrious goverment in regard to motorcycles. Firstly, they let pretty much any 16 year old pillock with enough grey matter to follow instructions for a few hours ride a 50cc moped. These things can go fast enough to inflict pretty serious damage on the rider and anyone they crash into. They’re supposed to be restricted to 30mph, but who really thinks that’s actually going to happen? Mine could certainly do 45mph if pushed hard enough.

Second, Why on earth make it difficult for older, more responsible drivers to get onto a big bike? ‘Big’ in this regard means over 125cc, or more than 33bhp. It’s impossible to take your test on a bike you own unless it’s a 125, and you feel like wasting two years pootling around with what sounds like peas rattling in a can underneath you. Driving schools charge hefty fees to get training or tested on their bikes, though I’ll admit they do make it slighly easier to book tests, as they can book them up ahead of time.

These are the kind of fees you’re looking at to get on the road, assuming you already know how to ride a motorbike:

£120 for the ‘CBT’, what a load of old bollocks; “turn this to go, squeeze this to stop, turn left, turn right, that’ll be a lot of money please”

£80 for the bike test (Govt: “Let’s make the test Euro-compatible, O WAIT IT ARE ILLEGALZ DRIVING LIKE TAHT ON OUR ROADS LOL WTF?//!? Ok, let’s just make it more expensive then and delay the new style test…

£80 for ‘Tuition and Bike Hire’ Expensive, but whatever…

£250+ for ‘Compulsory Lessons’ that the driving school will make you take in order to hire their bike

I mean, come on, seriously guys! This is obvious price gouging on the part of the DSA and bike training schools…

Vegetarian Omlettes

February 17th, 2009

1 cup chickpea flower (besan)
1/2 cup strong white flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp turmeric
1/4 tsp black salt
milk
some chopped red/green peppers or chilis
some chopped tomatoes

make batter from dry ing. + milk, let sit for 15-20 min, add veg, make pancakes. They taste like omlettes, only veggie. Yes, I know some of you may disagree about what ‘Vegetarian’ means. My personal definition is “If it has eyes, or could given time, and is not a potato, then it’s meat”

Snow, Sideways Driving

February 3rd, 2009

So apparently we’ve just had the most snowfall in 18 odd years. Driving to work was interesting this morning, and completely impossible yesterday. I’d woken up normally at 6 o’clock, got dressed, and then proceeded to attempt to refuel my car. To start with, it was completely covered in snow ice, which is not such a big deal. Driving out to the A41, however, was white-knuckle scary. There’d been hardly any traffic, so our road was all fresh slippy slidey snow, and the A41 had great big patches of freezing slush. I, Like most people in London, just didn’t even bother going into work.

The view from the front of the house

The view from the front of the house

Asus EEE Keyboard is Retro Awesome

January 8th, 2009

Apple: “hey, fanboiz, here’s a computer with no monitor”

fanboyz: “here, Lord Stevie, take our money, TAKE IT!!! Just please give us prettier computers than our PC using cohorts”

far eastern manufacturer: “O HAI GUISE WATS GOIN ON IN HERE”

Apple: “fuck off, we’re innovating”

far eastern manufacturer: “O RLY? WERE IN UR MANUFACTURIN PLANT STEALIN UR INAVATINS AND MAKIN IT BETTAR LOL”

fanboyz: “Waaah”

Seriously though, the Asus EEE keyboard PC is revolutionary. It’s also like a BBC Micro or C64, which is awesome.
http://www.boygeniusreport.com/2009/01/07/asus-eee-keyboard-wows-us-all/

Motoring in Delhi

December 28th, 2008

Motoring in Delhi is an interesting experience for the foreigner. Having lived in India in the past, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to ride in Autos, take buses, hire taxis and ‘private hire’ cars. I’ve even ridden motorbikes (Oh, my Enfield, how I miss you!) along dusty country roads and NH-2, Mathura Road around the Vrindavan area.

The view from an Auto-Rickshaw in Delhi

The view from an Auto-Rickshaw in Delhi

Delhi is something different, however. The majority of vehicles here are private cars or motorbikes. I have just spent the last two weeks driving my friend’s dad’s Ford Ikon around the southern and central parts of the capital. G.K-II, Chittaranjan Park, Nehru Place, Rajeev Chowk (née Connaught Place) are all familiar roadsigns.

Delhi has been called the City of Flyovers in modern times, as various construction sprees during the Emergency of the late ’70s and the current economic boom have laid a spaghetti junction of elevated roadways and underpasses over the ancient maze of djinn-haunted alleys and twisty passages. While driving around on these modern expressways one could be in any modern city. Bus lanes, LED traffic lights, Motorcycle cops with mirror shades, and sleek Mercedes-Benz saloons all conspire to give the impression that it’s business as usual. Once you leave the main roads, however, it’s a different story. In the wealthy residential area where Tanu lives, one gets the idea that every individual block is a sovereign nation in it’s own right. Gates shut at the end of every street, barriers restrict entrance to ‘resident vehicles only’. Private security guards roam the streets to keep everyone safe from the teeming horde outside. In tourist-heavy areas like the obligatory Pahar Ganj or Lajpat Nagar markets, to the untrained eye the traffic is chaos. If you suspend your western preconceptions however, you learn that there’s a rhythm and flow to it all, and it works. I’ve had to learn a few simple road rules that are just as flexible as the ones in the UK.

  • Turning left (and right, sometimes) is allowed on red lights
  • It’s not called an exit or a turning, it’s a ‘Cut’
  • Parking costs Rs. 10 an hour, more in congested places
  • Tolls are infrequent, and cheap

The speed at which the actual driving takes place is apparently lower than in the UK, though you’d not notice it due to the fact that traffic here is a constant slow crawl rather than the west’s frantic 50mph rush to the next traffic lights.

Operating a horseless carriage

Operating a horseless carriage

Once you’re out of the city and on interstate roads, it’s like being on a good quality A road only with slightly more psychotic truck drivers (Polish and Czech cargo hauliers, I’m looking at you).

I like motoring in India. Like most things here, once you throw away your preconception of the way things ‘Ought’ to be, you have a much better time of it.

On the psychological deficiency of motorists

December 12th, 2008

In several of the last few episodes of the BBC’s Top Gear, presenter Jeremy Clarkson has poked fun at Audi’s new car (I forget what it’s called) and their drivers. According to him, all Audi drivers are ‘Cocks’.As I was driving in to the office today, I had several driver experiences that made me agree with this summary.

For instance, here I am Tuesday morning, caning it down the right-hand lane doing an ‘acceptable’ speed for that lane (you know what I mean), and i get some compensating salesman in an A4 sitting on my tail flashing his lights. As soon as he sees a tiny gap in the wall of transit vans to the left, he puts  his foot down and executes a manouever that would scare a psychopathic Finnish rally driver. A similar thing happened again today, this time with a silver behemoth driven by some corporate fascist. In watford, If I’m ever on the A41/St Albans Road roundabout and there’s someone there in an Audi, they’ll always pull up on in the wrong lane and shove their way to the front of the crowd as they rush to escape the clutches of the plebs in their merely mortal vehicles.

Panopticon Britain

December 9th, 2008

Good Morning Citizen, and welcome to Airstrip One. Please remember to keep a neutral expression about your face, and walk calmly so as not to trigger the terrorist-detecting Gait Recognition cameras. Late sunday, I found I was unable to access a page on Wikipedia about the Scorpions’ album ‘Virgin Killer‘. Funny, that. I don’t remember ever asking for my internet connection to be censored. Whatever happened to the idea of innocent until proven guilty, hmm? The thing that really gets up my nose is that every time I mention one of these issues to my friends they pull the old “But I’ve got nothing to hide, they’ll never come after me“. These are the same friends who are Hare Krishnas or pot smokers or people who prefer to do cash only work. None of them realise that they are precisely the kind of people our lawfully elected government will come after next. Readily available processing power and ease of surveillance makes it almost harder to not watch everyone, all the time.

The problem here is that people don’t see the Database State as such a big affront on their civil liberties. Those in power make sure to always have unassailable targets when building the databases. Paedophiles, Terrorists, Sex Offenders. There’s absolutely no arguing against implementing a system which provides the  possiblity of locking up more perverts. If you even try to argue, you’re immediately told you’re either Paranoid or Probaby A Terrorist Sympathizer Anyway If You Like Afghanistan So Much Why Don’t You Go Live There.

But just wait, Wait until every one of us has our location tracked by our mobiles (”For your safety so the emergency services can find you if there’s an accident”), our working, medical, and living history tracked in a giant database (”So we can keep you safe from paedophiles and terrorists”). Where were you last night, Citizen? Oh, you forgot your phone at home? and you forgot to update the goverment database as to where you live? tut tut tut. I guess you’ll need to come down to the station until we can verify your story. Don’t worry, we’re not allowed to keep you longer than 42 hours, and we don’t ship people overseas to where they could be executed.

“Oh yes”, you think, “we’ve heard all this before, Jambo’s just being another one of those paranoid internet people who worry about things that never affect anyone we know”.

I really wish that were the case.